I’m happy I have this time to continue my letter and please ignore what seems like a bad habit of not following protocols. A man in my shoes will definitely forget manners, a man behind bars that need urgent rescue. Please just know that your help is my biggest bait for I really am in dire need of help.
In my earlier letter, I mentioned that my second master is FEAR. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of making friends, fear of being hurt, fear of hating someone, fear of darkness, fear of not being loved in return, fear of being wrong and finally fear of FEAR. This I think has held me down so long I haven’t taken any major step in my life. It was fear that made me go to school and so my parents had to choose my course of study and now that I’m grown and they can’t make my decisions for me, I’m stuck. I’m afraid to take risk because I think I’m more of a pessimistic person even though when faced with the situation, I think I am being realistic, looking at my pros and cons and doing my analysis. I ask myself, “what if at the end of the day I am wrong?” since I never want to be wrong, I don’t even try. Not that I like it but I am stuck in this hole.
The thing is that I know fear has a limiting power, actually, a great limiting power. But I can’t stop myself. Its more like a head knowledge thing that hasn’t got a hold at my heart. Did I remember to tell you that I don’t have a job? I don’t and I think it’s partly due to the fact that when I go for interviews and I don’t want to be wrong because I’m afraid to fail it ends up that way. I show my fear but could it be some force actually working against me? Forces that don’t want my progress, or could it be fear of acknowledging my faults that I quickly want to attribute my problems to some forces?
Help me find answers for I am running back into my hole before I am found out. I will find time to tell you about the other part. I need independence, but I am even afraid to fight for it so come and take me out. And please remember not to give me the motivational talk that it’s only me that can help me because if it was so, I would have done that.
Picture source: @IAMGABRIHEL
My name is Lawrence and I need your help. Maybe I should tell you a little about myself before I enumerate my numerous and voluptuous problems and maybe you could come to my aid and fix what has defied all my available solutions.
I am a 28 year old graduate with a second class upper division as one of my achievement. I went to one of the best federal universities in the country and I come from a family where we are comfortable. We are not rich but we can afford anything we need. I can be good at anything I set my heart on. I don’t come from a home with parents who are separated. My parents may not be best of friends but they can stand each other at least so I can say I have a lot of tranquillity at home and to add to it, I have very supportive siblings that never make me feel bad about any of my pitfalls and my longest laughter so far in life is awarded to my siblings.
You would have thought that my life is perfect and more than half of the population in the world would want my life but that is because they don’t know the half of my story. I am just a stranger in my own skin. I don’t know who I am or what I want. I have so many dreams but I am a captive, a slave and so I am not permitted to dream.
You might want to ask me who am a slave to and who sold me out but this piece of information I would gladly offer before you request. I’m a slave to fear, doubt and anger but I can’t tell you exactly who sold me out but I am thinking its either my parents or myself. Yes, I mean what I am saying. You are either smiling or surprised but I feel I am right and here is why;
Anger is one of my dad’s genetic makeup and it seems I unfortunately got that part of his gene but my mum is also the angry type so I don’t think I have gentleness recessive in me. So if anger is all dominant in me with no recessive trait how am I to help myself? To make matters worse, I pride myself in it, in the fact that my parents are this “no nonsense” people and that anger is in my blood. I like to tell people I get angry easily like its some virtue that I wear on my neck like a garland. So I could have also being the one to sell me self to slavery or maybe I decided to remain in it.
Then the next is fear, but let me tell you more about this in my next letter but meanwhile start preparing your answers and solutions to my problems.