I’m happy I have this time to continue my letter and please ignore what seems like a bad habit of not following protocols. A man in my shoes will definitely forget manners, a man behind bars that need urgent rescue. Please just know that your help is my biggest bait for I really am in dire need of help.
In my earlier letter, I mentioned that my second master is FEAR. Fear of the unknown, fear of failure, fear of making friends, fear of being hurt, fear of hating someone, fear of darkness, fear of not being loved in return, fear of being wrong and finally fear of FEAR. This I think has held me down so long I haven’t taken any major step in my life. It was fear that made me go to school and so my parents had to choose my course of study and now that I’m grown and they can’t make my decisions for me, I’m stuck. I’m afraid to take risk because I think I’m more of a pessimistic person even though when faced with the situation, I think I am being realistic, looking at my pros and cons and doing my analysis. I ask myself, “what if at the end of the day I am wrong?” since I never want to be wrong, I don’t even try. Not that I like it but I am stuck in this hole.
The thing is that I know fear has a limiting power, actually, a great limiting power. But I can’t stop myself. Its more like a head knowledge thing that hasn’t got a hold at my heart. Did I remember to tell you that I don’t have a job? I don’t and I think it’s partly due to the fact that when I go for interviews and I don’t want to be wrong because I’m afraid to fail it ends up that way. I show my fear but could it be some force actually working against me? Forces that don’t want my progress, or could it be fear of acknowledging my faults that I quickly want to attribute my problems to some forces?
Help me find answers for I am running back into my hole before I am found out. I will find time to tell you about the other part. I need independence, but I am even afraid to fight for it so come and take me out. And please remember not to give me the motivational talk that it’s only me that can help me because if it was so, I would have done that.